You’re Goddamn Right I Hate the Patriots

I don’t get it. I truly don’t. It’s not even about the constant winning. I really don’t care if the same team ends up taking home the championship at the end of every season, and honestly I’m a big fan of dynasties; Christ, I’m an NBA fan. But there is just something about the Patriots that I cannot get on board with.

I’ve tried to step back and look at it through a different lens.  I’ve tried to appreciate what the Pats have done. I’ve been able to do it with LeBron. I’ve done this with the Warriors. I’ve done this with my own skewed view of what expectations should be with the Green Bay Packers. But I still can’t make it work.

Why do they win so much? Why does it seem like Tom Brady and the Patriots get a pass for everything bad they do but are the subject of our praise and appreciation?

I’ll tell you why.

Tom Brady has made a blood pact with the Devil. Satan. Beelzebub. The Angel of Death. Whatever you want to call him/it/her (if her…’sup?). I mean look no farther than the Patriots’ logo! It’s a odd faced man with a star on his head. Hmm…what other creature out there is running around with a strange symbol like that?

hmmmm

Hmm…Really makes you think.

I mean how else could you explain it? The pointed chins. The horns that stretch out from the head. Five points on the star. Five points on the pentagram. Five…Super Bowls…for Tom Brady. How else would people just forget about him just straight up cheating on his pregnant fiance’ or girlfriend or whatever with another woman? Say, what’s one of those commandment thingys you’re not supposed to break…oh yeah! Adultery!

Guy who has a deal with the devil probably wouldn’t care too much about that! And how in the shit were the Pats able to distance themselves and take no flak from the whole Aaron Hernandez thing? And the spy-gate tape? Jay Glazer was just on a podcast this NFL season and A. Said he still has a copy and B. Says it was one of the most egregious cases of cheating he’s ever seen.

I think we all are getting a clearer picture of why that just kind of went away. Why do teams just keep giving the Patriots really good players for essentially nothing? Randy Moss. Wes Welker. Corey Dillon (people, Corey Dillon was really good for the Pats ). Aqib Talib. Darrelle Revis on a cheap deal. Rodney Harrison on a cheap deal. It’s insane. Then when Bill is done with them, teams just give them first rounders!

It’s just mind numbing to me how we’ve accepted this narrative that it’s all Tom. “Tom’s playoff wins” or “Tom’s road victories”. Or most big victories for that matter.

2001 AFC Title: He gets credit for coming in after halftime and going 10-of-18. The special teams unit scored two TD’s that day. But Brady.

2001 Super Bowl: TB12 had 145 yards and the offense had 15 first downs. Pats’ D forced three turnovers, one for a touchdown, against the greatest show on turf. Held them to 17 points (14 points came in a 4th-quarter fury), and Adam Vinatieri was nails. But Brady.

2003 AFC Title: Defense forces four (!) Peyton Manning interceptions and scores a safety, the Pats’ offense scores one offensive TD. AV once again nails. But Brady.

Seeing a pattern here? I could keep going honestly. Try, just try to find a season since 2001 where the defense wasn’t top 10. Hell even top five! BUT BRADY. 

Brady, in his secret dealings with the prince of darkness, has cast a spell on all of us to believe that it’s him and only him who is responsible for this greatness. To forget that he has the best head coach in the league since…well…ever!

But you know what we won’t forget? And this may be the most egregious thing I’ve seen another human being do. It’s shameful to say out loud and almost even too dastardly to put in print.

Tom Brady totally open mouthed kissed his son. And five Super Bowls and some devil magic wont wipe away the shame of that.

people dont forget

Be sure to check out the latest episode of the Loaded Box Podcast as the guys recap conference championship weekend in the NFL and preview the upcoming Super Bowl between the Rams and Patriots!

Logan Beatty is a featured blogger for the Loaded Box Podcast.  Check out his article archive and find more from the Loaded Box on Twitter & Facebook

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