As I sit here late Saturday night downing a few micro brews and finishing my night off with a Miller Lite, I cant help but reflect on what happened in the NFL just last weekend. I am a noted Packers fan who has been through way too many devastating losses. Most notably, the “Fail Mary” against the Seattle Seahawks and the infamous onside fuck up by Brandon Bostick against…. the Seattle fucken Seahawks. God damnit I hate the Seahawks.
Watching that game last sunday brought back all of these memories. I hate the Minnesota Vikings with a passion and nothing gives me more joy than to watch them suffer through devastating loss after devastating loss. Watching Stefon Diggs catch that ball and Marcus Williams missed the easiest tackle in NFL history caused so many flashbacks.
Flashbacks of Aaron Rodgers breaking his collar bone against the Vikings earlier this season. Flashbacks of an onside kick, roll and bounce and eventually deflect off of some dumb fucks helmet in to the arms of a waiting opponent, excited to stab me in the heart once again. Flashbacks of an interception gone awry.
More than likely, if you are a fan of any sports team you have gone through disappointment. You have had to cope with a disappointing loss. I suggest reading this before your game if you are a Jaguars, Patriots, Vikings or Eagles fan. I have come up with a list of ways you immediately react and/or cope with the most disappointing loss of your life.
1. JUST LAUGH
This is a classic reaction. Almost psychopathic. Sometimes you get so used to your team fucking up it becomes habit. All you can do is throw a big smile on your face and begin to laugh. But of course it isn’t the type of smile or laugh that indicates you are having a fun time. Its the laugh that if one fucken person approaches me and says the wrong thing I will literally rip their heads off.
It is weird how the brain works like that. How in certain situations your brain tells you to act the opposite of the way you should be reacting. I used to laugh in the face of people who wanted to kill me because pissing them off to the point of no return was entertaining. I have literally been choked before and smiled the entire time.
Honestly, when I see someone smile in the face of extreme disappointment I assume they are a serial killer. All I can imagine is Dexter with a smile on his face and me wrapped in plastic. If you react this way expect people to stray away from you the rest of the night. It comes with the territory, you psycho.
2. LASH OUT
This is one of my favorite reactions. Sometimes screaming curse words and punching a hole in the wall is the best way to get over a bad loss. This is not my go to reaction, but I have done it many times in my life.
This has also become one of the easiest ways to go viral on the World Wide Web. Most recently, a Pittsburgh Steelers fan went viral for threatening to kill himself after they were DESTROYED by my boy Blake Bortles (Super Bowl Winning QB. I have the right to retract this statement).
Clearly, this guys whole prerogative was to get out of doing any chores for the day. Can you blame him. My least favorite part of every night is doing dishes as my wife is putting my son to bed. I dream of a day that I can say, “DONT ASK ME TO DO NOTHING. DISHES NOTHING.” For that one day I will be free of all chore burdens.
3. FUNNEL DRINKS
I will repeat, I am a Packers fan. The onside kick game was the worst game I have experienced my entire life. That day I was at a bar with my co-founder of the Loaded Box Podcast, Ben Morgan. Being a Dolphins fan he never has high expectations so he doesn’t understand what it is like to expect to go to a super bowl and have your dick chopped off.
Ben stood next to my side that day. I was on high the entire game. Celebrating the fact the Green bay Packers were about to head to and win another super bowl. He knew it too. He nodded and he smiled, because if he acted any other way he had 100 Packers fans that would have ended his life.
Then the second half happened. I don’t remember what order all of this happened in and I am not about to look it up because I am drunk. There were lots of run, run, pass and punt by the Packers. Then there was a Seahawks fake Field Goal for a touchdown. Mixed in their was an incredible 2 point conversion in which to Packers defenders forgot how to time a jump. Then there was the most ridiculous onside kick I have ever seen. Ultimately this led to the Seahawks getting the ball in overtime, bending me over and shoving a 10 foot pole up my ass.
Once that happened I did not know how to react. I didn’t say a word. I was silent. The only thing that popped in my head was drink. Unfortunately for Ben, he was the guy I forced to go through this pain with me.
Next thing I know I am ordering 2 shots of Jack. I carry them over to Ben and we take them. I immediately walk back to the bar and order 2 shots of Captain. Ben without hesitation takes that with me. Again… I walk back to the bar and order a shot of either vodka or tequila. I can’t remember because at this point I was drinking all day and at this point I was just drowning my sorrows.
Again, Ben takes this shot with me. At this point Ben says, “Are you trying to kill us?” I still haven’t said a word. All I can do is drink. Shortly after, both Ben and I head to the bathroom to take a piss. In your head you are probably thinking this relationship between the 2 of us is getting a little weird. Trust me, we just have your standard bromance.
Ben and I go to the bathroom and I still haven’t said anything. We take a piss. As he is washing his hands all I can think in my head is punch something. I turn and the first thing in my sight is a paper towel dispenser. Immediately, I let out every ounce of anger I have on that machine just to make myself feel better. Ben says nothing and I say nothing. We walk out of the bathroom and go on to have one of the greatest drinking nights of our life on a Sunday.
If you don’t drink then I don’t expect you to take this route. If you do, I would highly suggest doing the same thing. Beside the awful fucken hangover, I was over the loss the next day. I had let everything go immediately after the game and had nothing left to give. This is why loving sports is better than anything in the world. A year later we all have hope again… Even Ben, a Dolphins fan.
DJ Premo is a co-host and blogger to the Loaded Box Podcast. Take a look at his blog archive. To find more from the Loaded Box follow us on Twitter & Facebook.