True Life: I’m Addicted to Dynasty Fantasy Football

This piece might show my age a bit, but it’s time to dig into the way-back file and take a journey back to 1998 when MTV did their “True Life” series, which examined the lives of individuals with unique fascinations and addictions. While writing this I learned that the series actually ran through 2017, but I’m pretty confident that the majority of you readers remember this show as part of your youth.

Episodes included topics such as drug use, money issues, food addictions, nearly any and everything that could consume the day-to-day life of an individual. A few things have transpired recently that lead me to believe that if this show existed today, I’d be a solid candidate for the episode, “True Life: I’m Addicted to Dynasty Fantasy Football.”

Before I get into my “Addiction Timeline” let me take a minute to explain some of the recent happenings that led to this revelation.

My wife gave birth to our second child on Monday, May 24, which essentially turned into my plans for Memorial Day Weekend. The opportunity to grill out with the boys, or take to the river and bounce from tiki bar to tiki bar went by the wayside and turned into diaper duty, late-night feedings and an extraordinary amount of bouncing around and two stepping like I’m getting my swerve on at the club – although in this situation I’m holding a child and a bottle of milk rather than double fisting Busch Lights.

Despite what people tell you prior to having a child, you actually have an abundance of time when you have a newborn baby. They eat, poop and sleep… on repeat. This leaves you with the opportunity to sink deeper into what you may not even realize is an addiction; in my case, dynasty fantasy football. I always knew I had a problem, but this past weekend solidified my biggest fear… it’s a full-blown (unhealthy) addiction.

With that being said, let’s take a look at the aforementioned Addiction Timeline from Saturday, May 29…

1:10am: First diaper change of the early morning (I remember when this wasn’t even bar time…). Unable to fall back asleep right away, so I begin my first half-conscious brainstorm session of the day regarding potential players to target via trade

3:45am: Yet another diaper change. After four wipes and numerous Justin Tucker-like leg kicks I find myself back in bed and the dynasty thought of “I don’t really need 2022 draft picks if I’m in win-now mode” enters my mind before sinking back into a fairly light version of sleep (newborns can by noisy sleepers, FYI)

5:50am: Oldest child (18 mos.) wakes up and proceeds to read books while I open up the Sleeper app for the first of countless times today. I have no intentions to do anything while on the app at this point in time, just scrolling through rosters for the 600th time. Moving forward there’s no way that I’ll document each time I open the app; you don’t need that information in your life

9:02am: First official trade offer of the day. I offered Zach Wilson and Elijah Moore for Jaylen Waddle. I’ve been telling people not to draft Jets’ players for multiple years now and here I am picking two of them in last month’s rookie draft…

9:04am: My offer to acquire Waddle was declined. I like quick responses, but Jesus, take a second and make me at least believe I’m in the ball park before rejecting!

9:13am: Sent the following exchange of texts to the person that I sent the Waddle proposal to…

Me: Thought you told me that Zach Wilson was your man crush of the month?!?!

Him: Yea, not that much of a crush

Me: He’s got a hot mom tho. That’s worth something

Him: So do you

Conclusion: I’m leaving moms out of text-message exchanges moving forward

10:02am: Reads the name “Saquon Barkley” in a tweet and ponders how much draft capital I can acquire by moving him. I quickly remember that I used the overall 1.01 on him in last year’s startup draft and immediately close out of the Sleeper app to avoid any temptation

11:05am: Now I’m primed and ready to start dealing! I offered my ’22 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th round picks for Ezekiel Elliott. In this particular league I’m in win-now mode, so I’m trying to get my hands on an impact running back

11:15am: Offered my ’22 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th round picks, plus Zack Moss, for Clyde Edwards-Helaire and 3.01 in the ’21 rookie draft. Once again, I want another starter-quality RB for my all-in push this upcoming season

1:57pm: Sent the following text to the person that I sent the Zeke Elliott proposal to…

“Wanted to let you know that I sent a trade offer earlier today, in case you’re not a habitual sleeper-app checker”

1:59pm: Sent the following exchange of texts to the person that I sent the CEH proposal to…

Me: I started the weekend early, so that means I opened the Sleeper app and started sending out trade offers… in case you don’t have Sleeper notifications on (this was a lie, but I thought incorporating booze may work to my advantage in trade negotiations)

Him: Haha! I’ll take a look. I turned them off for a bit actually lol

Me: I don’t know how you do it. I’ve got a terrible addiction. No lie, I bet I open that app at least 100 times a day. I do have a few leagues there, but I’m to the point where I can’t even control it

3:00pm: Realized that the guy who rejected my Waddle trade was playing in a softball tournament just 20 minutes away from my house so I considered an in-person trip to the ball field to see if I could negotiate but decided to throw out another text message instead…

Me: I’m open to moving Gesicki, so if you want him as part of a deal, he’s not off limits. But I can’t do all three (Wilson, Moore and Gesicki) for Waddle

Him: I’ll take those three for Waddle

Me: Lol get effed… look at my last sentence!

Him: What more do you need?

Me: You’d be beating me 46-30 on the trade value chart that I reference. That difference is the equivalent of a late first/early second

Him: Shove that value chart up your ass

Conclusion: This guy has now taken shots at my mom and my ass. I guess fantasy football impacts us all differently

4:47pm: Started considering potential packages to attempt to acquire Henry Ruggs. It was at this exact moment when I realized my addiction has become unsafe

5:05pm: Offered Mike Gesicki and my ’22 3rd for David Montgomery. Do I need to say it again? I’m trying to acquire a GD RB over here!

5:07pm: Offered the same guy Mike Gesicki and my ’22 1st for David Montgomery and Michael Gallup. My theory: give people some options, maybe they are so turned off by one offer that the alternative offer looks more appealing (deep thinker, I know)

7:05pm: My offer to acquire Zeke Elliott was declined… now I hope he gets fat and ends up on an episode of True Life: I’m addicted to sugary cereals

9:13pm: Cracks beer No. 4 of the evening, opens Sleeper app and aimlessly scans rosters. I lied… I listed another essentially pointless opening of the app, but I was drinking this time around so everything was on the table

10:30pm: Changes the newborn’s diaper for the last time of the day. While laying in bed afterwards I start mentally preparing some text messages that I’ll send the next day to those who haven’t responded to my trade proposals yet

10:32pm: Lays in bed pondering how it’s possible to not react to trade proposals over the course of an entire day. I justify it to myself by saying that these people are likely out of service at a cabin somewhere up north and they’ll get back to me in a couple of days after the Holiday Weekend. In reality, they’re probably battling some demons of their own, but I feel confident saying they’re clearly not the dynasty fantasy demons that possess me

I’d like to tell you that things improved following this particular Saturday that I documented, but the itch is still there and I can’t seem to scratch it enough. After thinking about it some more, since there’s clearly not much I can do to save myself, I think I’m going to dive in deeper and join another league; but this time I’ll only invite those who suffer at the same level of addiction so that my trade offers aren’t left in the air like a Tom Brady high five.

Thanks for taking part of my unsolicited intervention. If you suffer from a similar addiction, I’d love to hear your story either on Twitter or in the comments section below. Also, if your addiction is more so gambling related, be sure to check out the latest episodes of the Loaded Box Podcast as we discuss over/under win totals for those in the AFC & NFC

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