Thursday, August 9, 2018
Written by Logan Beatty, Loaded Box Podcast Blogger

I’ve been thinking of how to write an intro to this little write up here today and I am totally struggling. I could probably do the “it’s August you know what that means!” or do a “football is king you nerds” intro again, but it just didn’t feel right. You don’t need me to tell you what time of year it is. There is just this switch that flips right around the end of July where the only thing you give a shit about is football. Wife or Girlfriend? Kids? Fuck outta here. I gotta watch this Cardinals/Chargers preseason game that’s replaying at 11:30 p.m. on NFL Network because I gotta see if Mike Williams has some real sleeper potential.

You’ve probably already received those emails or Facebook messages from the commissioners of your main leagues. Hell, maybe even the shit talk has started.  I’ve been in a league with the same core group of guys since 2007. Fantasy football has always been that thing that we can count on for us to actually all be in the same room as each other. But everyone has their other league. Or their other other league. And if you frequent this website, your probably have about five or six leagues you goddamn degenerate. So it’s safe to say that over the course of our fantasy careers(?), we’ve probably seen or met some interesting characters. So let’s explore that shall we?  Play that fuckin’ song!

1: The Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About the Draft Not Being an Auction Draft

This guy stinks right? Constantly talking about his other leagues that are auctions. Complaining about how boring of a format a snake draft is. Comments at the “skill” and “unpredictability” involved. These are the hardos that are probably in dynasty leagues and tweet out the insane value they got when they spent $50 on Saquon Barkley (I don’t even know if that’s good value it just seems like a thing they would say).  I’ve never been a participant in an auction draft, but I can only assume it’s a little like how Desus and Mero explain it.

Plus, I’ve heard an auction draft could last a very long time. In 10-man leagues, you have to bid on up to 160 players. Could you imagine doing four or five of those?  Not for me.

2: The Guy Who Brings His Kids

My stance has changed on this as I have aged and my main core group of friends has started having kids (congrats on the sex), but I couldn’t think of a worse way to ruin an afternoon when I was in my early 20’s. I get it. I really do. Wifey says you can go hang with the boys but you gotta bring little junior sonofabitch otherwise you’re persona-non-nookie for the entire football season. It’s a tough choice, but it’s a mood killer. For a lot of people, a fantasy draft it a way to get back in touch with your boys and hang out. Often times its a pseudo party. Not anymore. No more swearing. No dick and fart jokes. The porn you normally have playing in the background has been replaced by fucking Super Why, or Caillou or some other stupid show. It just stinks. The guy often takes the longest to make his picks because he’s too busy keeping his kid from playing in the shitter. If the kid isn’t old enough to fetch beers out of the fridge for nickels or steal his dad’s cheat sheet for me then I don’t want them at the draft. Okay I thought of one more reason to include kids.

3: The Guy In 10 Other Leagues (And Isn’t Shy About Sharing His Teams With Anyone Who Will Listen)

This degenerate may be the worst of the bunch. Don’t get me wrong; I love fantasy football. I’ve been known to dabble in multiple leagues, but if you are in more than three I think you’re a little too into it. If you’re in five or more you’re a degen, especially if you put money on them all. This guy often forgets the golden rule: No one gives a shit about your fantasy team, and often will break that rule time and time again. I don’t care about your sleepers in your co-worker league. Nobody cares. How do you avoid losing interest if you’re in that many? That’s one thing I never understood. Nobody is that good. Just about half the leagues you’re going to be in are going to be bust. Avoid sitting next to this guy at all costs.

4: The Commissioner Who Takes His Role a Little Too Serious

Look, we all get that being a commissioner of a fantasy football league is a pretty thankless gig. It may seem silly, but getting 10+ dudes on the same page on anything in life is a hard thing to do. But at the end of the day, it’s fantasy football. We’re all adults and can handle ourselves as such. You don’t have to become a mini Stalin a month before the actual draft date about league dues. If you have to bug people in their thirties about getting $50 ready by the time the draft starts, maybe it’s time to evaluate who you are letting in the draft. A league is a democracy, allow input on rules and discuss things as a group. This guy often trudges ahead, blocks trades he doesn’t like, and is often surrounded by a cloud of collusion.

5: The Last Resort

You know how it goes. One of the guys who has always been in your league started a new job or moved away, and now you need a 12th man. Everyone else is already in another league, so now you scrape the bottom of the barrel. This guy may have already been in your league before but was either bad, or didn’t pay attention, or tried to draft Tiki Barber two seasons after he retired (I shit you not that actually happened in a league I was in with our last-resort guy). You try to be nice because you need that extra body, but by week four you realize what a mistake you’ve made.

6: The Wildcard

I would be remiss if I didn’t include this.

I’m talking a guy who overdrafts, takes four RB’s right away, drafts QB twice in the first two rounds, takes guys you may not even have in your draft magazine. Real out there shit. Sometimes he makes you giggle, sometimes he makes you cry. I for one enjoy playing with the wildcard. Without a wildcard, a fantasy football draft is just 12 dudes sitting around in a basement talking about other dudes and how strong or fast or big they are. Yikes!

7: The Guy Who Has Never Won the League

You can generally spot this lost soul right when he walks into the room. Sullen eyes, slouched posture, begging for death. There is nothing more embarrassing than being a part of a long standing league and never having won it. After a decade in the same league without having won you start to feel bad for the guy. He fluctuates from over preparing one year, to trying to wing it another. He’s all over the map, clawing and scratching for any strategy that could one day bring him glory. But glory never comes. Glory never comes.

8: The Homer

Everyone has played in at least one league with this guy. Whatever his favorite team is, you better believe he’s going to overvalue every single one of that teams players. Being from Wisconsin, I have played in leagues where guys have had no less than five Packers. I’ve seen Jermichael Finley go in the second round before. Jermichael fucking Finley. This guy mostly only watches his one team and only knows players who play in his team’s division. Things get really interesting in the later rounds, when he starts drafting wide receivers that aren’t even going to make the team. It’s a blast to see in real time.

Did I miss any? What cast of characters are part of your fantasy football draft?


Be sure to check out the latest episode of the Loaded Box Podcast as the guys are joined by Ben Allbright to discuss football, alcohol and Ben’s controversial Twitter history with Darren Rovell & Clay Travis

Logan Beatty is a featured blogger for the Loaded Box Podcast.  Check out his article archive and find more from the Loaded Box on Twitter & Facebook