Hello and welcome to the most important article about the Big Game you are going to read all week. This game has a very large possibility to STINK, the commercials aren’t going to be funny because they haven’t been since the days of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker, which came out 15 fucking years ago. All I am trying to say is that “good Super Bowls” don’t come around all that often. It’s basically 50/50 that its even going to be a good game, and twice in the last five years two teams had colossal pant shit moments that lead to the Patriots having 2 more than they probably should. One thing that can take away the stench of a pretty bad Super Bowl is a really good halftime show. Think Prince saving the day from that snoozefest that was XLI with the Bears and the Colts. Dude sang Purple Rain, in the freaking rain, and folks the field in Miami wasn’t the only thing that got wet. So lets get to it. I am not going to grade every show, but I am going to put them into tiers. If a show isn’t even mentioned it’s probably because it was just pretty meh.

SHIT TIER- Anything Disney, The Stones, Country Rockin’ Sunday, Marching bands from the 70’s-80’s, Black Eyed Peas, The Madonna and popular groups of 2012, and Coldplay,

Coldplay isn’t good guys. They steal music. They put people to sleep. It’s music for moms. I understand you have ladies to impress and you want to seem cultured or something but they stink. You know they stink. How can you stink when you steal from Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens? Blows my mind. It is very hard to argue that this even sniffed an OK halftime show. Beyonce’ was there. She’s an absolute smoke, but it was really weird. They didn’t blend, Queen B wore black and people got mad, it was just a shitty show. Negative 5 Stars.

The Rolling Stones make the list because they played three songs, and it was the first during the period of push back from the Timberlake and Janet titty popin’ situation. They turned of Mick’s mic because of 60’s and 70’s sexual innuendo and it was just…boring. I don’t want boring in my halftime show gang. Might as well throw the Who, The Janet Titty pop situation (only because it shifted the course of halftime shows for 5 years. More on that later), and the one with Stevie wonder and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (remember when Swing got popular again for a hot minute?) I’m sorry even the greatness of Stevie (who is clearly not blind) couldn’t make up for the swing.

Sadly I have to throw Sting and No Doubt in this category too. By themselves, fantastic. Together….just have a listen.

Good Tier- The Boss, Paul McCartny, Katy Perry, Bruno and Red Hot Chili Peppers, U2, Aerosmith w/Nelly, Mary J, N Sync, and Britney Bitch.

The titty pop push back period did produce some memorable half time shows. Bruce Springsteen is a pro and put on a really good halftime show. He was the perfect end to the era of post titty pop. Paul McCartny was the first one to perform after the Janet situation, and was his good old classic self as well. U2 is U2 and was a great performance after 9/11, and the Aerosmith pop mashup was fun.

I have to be honest. I was really surprised with how entertaining Katy Perry was. She was basically at the top of the heap of pop stars at the time, and she absolutely delivered. Plus we had that shark thing which was great. Bruno was awesome. Easily the best of this tier. It was hard not to put him and the Peppers in great tier but hey, if you don’t let the Chili peppers play their own instruments then I’m not gonna put em in.

Great Tier- Gaga, Tom Petty, Micheal Jackson, Beyonce’ and Destiny’s Child

Queen B was her normal self which is always great tier, and they shot the rest of Destiny’s child out of cannons basically to join her on on stage. Super dome was on fire and they brought it down. It’s a shame that the Coldplay halftime show tarnished her perfect record.

I didn’t expect anything less from Lady Gaga. She jumped off a fucking building. Twice. There were drones. She was suspended in mid air for a great portion of the show. It was visually spectacular. I watched it again beginning to end and god damn if Prince never existed she would be on the top.

Micheal Jackson invented the modern Super Bowl halftime show. Him popping up and just standing there soaking it in is fucking iconic. Re watch this shit. Listen to that crowd. They were more into the show than the game. Jury is still out if he actually sang or not, but I don’t care. It was amazing.

Tom Petty was the ultimate reversion to classic rock after the Janet situation. He played his hits which are so fucking intertwined into the fabric of this country its crazy. He’s the man. He gave them a god damn 15 minute rock concert, played his own music live and killed it. Can’t say enough good shit about Tom Petty.

The Only Choice for Number 1- Prince

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.”

I’ve mentioned it once. Purple Rain in the rain. It does not get better. He played a better version of Best Of You. He played all along the fucking watchtower. He’s easily a top 5 guitar player in the history of the world, and that’s maybe like the 20th most interesting thing about him. Look at him just show up and destroy these legends at the rock and roll hall of fame.

He didn’t just give one of the best halftime show performances, it was one of the great all around performances anywhere, anytime.

Really stinks that he’s gone.

Logan Beatty is a blogger for the Loaded Box Podcast. Check out his article archive and be sure to follow the Loaded Box Podcast on Twitter and Facebook